54

1965 - 54

T.O.U.G.H year (as per previous blog ... TSUNAMI). Year of the lobster Part deux.

PAINFUL - yikes was it ever! Good byes, transitions, sadness, scamming, betrayal, duplicity and deceit .... MOTHERF***ING TOUGH.

For a while there completely disillusioned with human behaviour and its lack of moral compass and ethics, with the unprincipled and nefarious side of humans that (thankfully) was alien to me prior to this year.

I think I have been too sheltered or have had the  incredible good fortune, either by chance or by design of never before having encountered the underbelly of human pathology. But this last year it slapped me in the face. So I tackled it and LEARNED. L.E.A.R.N.E.D.

READY.

DONE.

It won't happen again.


I AM WOMAN and will unveil anyone who harms women or others.

I will call out dishonesty and duplicity.

I will fight back.

I aim to make a change.

I have raised strong honest men with boundless integrity and I am proud of them.

I have taught and experienced the value of kindness.

I have leaned into the distress and vulnerability with raw human-ness and have come out whole.

I am STRONG


Here I go 54  FIFTY FOUR - once more around the sun.

53 - TSUNAMI

53 

This is the most difficult year blog to write. This is probably my most vulnerable self. But ... Brené Brown does say good things come from vulnerability so here goes. 

In early 2019 I started going to talk to a counselor, when she asked what I wanted to achieve while working with her, my response was “I want to be ready for the tsunami of grief I see coming” 

Now either I’m very perceptive, which I am, and I REALLY did see it coming or I sent the wrong intention out to the world with my words. Like in: HERE I am world ready for my tsunami - send it.

And ...... It came. 

First with the slow realization that my child rearing years at home were coming to an end and while I was so proud to see #2 ready to go; this wave was still going to hit me head on. It did. Pride, happiness but also an overwhelming sadness. I am better now but it was a tough tall heavy wave and many times it dragged me under.

Second, and I still hesitate to write about it as I’m supposed to be strong, resilient and powerful. I am not supposed to give too much away and/or worried about what people might think about me. But I also say - HOW can we talk about shame when we are too ashamed to talk? 

So, the next wave HIT as follows: Dr. Lopez was duped. 

I was played BIG TIME by a “partner” who I was supposed to trust. The duplicitous vile embarrassing ending reads like a fictional novel and someday I will make a fortune writing a book about it. I have to say I have fought back in my own way. SB, scamming, lying and duplicity need to be called out. 

I was ashamed that I didn’t see it sooner. And I’m a little ashamed now to write here that I let it happen BUT hey in the end the only “fault” here is that I’m just SOO human. A human who was duped by another human who lacks integrity. They are out there  and it happens so ... not REALLY my shame huh? 

This “experience” has led to the indisputable fact that I want to be part of a community of women who look after each other, and who call out deviant sociopathic behaviour. Unfortunately, not all women agree and so the behaviour goes unchecked and women lose. This event has made me into a STAUNCH feminist and I’ve done what I can to further the cause. 

Third, I have aging parents. I look so much like my Mum that it is like looking at myself in a mirror. She is beautiful and luminous but slowly fading and that is profoundly sad. 

My Dad - a rock of support, love and strength who can still resolve complicated calculus equations in his head is now needing my elbow to hold up and down the stairs and needs to “put his ears on” (read hearing aids) so we can talk. All expected at this age but still the passage of time has somehow become more obvious. Grief wave. Thus the start of the tsunami. With larger waves to come. 

That is not to say there have not been happy moments. Lulls of happiness between the waves. 

This year I have learned to get comfortable with goodbyes as they eventually come with BEAUTIFUL new hellos and long hugs. I have learned to tolerate the absences because they will yield new experiences and renewed connection. I have learned there is an ARMY of women willing to listen to my sad woes, agree with my indignation and anger and let me drain what seems to be their bottomless tanks of empathy. THANK YOU! 

In 2016, the year of the lobster, my Dad encouraged me to learn from my distress and grow a bigger shell. 

I’m trying - 2019, Year of the Lobster Part deux. If you see me walking around while wiggling, crying or asking for hugs it is because I’m forcing the shell to grow. 

Oh and also, stay tuned for my book - it’s bound to be a bestseller!!! 

Empty house

I once read that the only good thing about grief is that you don't have a choice. I have now delivered #2 for the second time. This is my 2nd "second" delivery. It is PAINFUL, both times.

Worse this time as the house is empty and I cry every time I open the fridge. Grief comes in many forms and the fact that the fridge suffers no losses, we still have OJ and cheese and yogurt and milk plus I can find everything I bought in the pantry is sad - who knew after so many years of complaining this is what makes me cry. Today as I took the bag of bread ends (yup he left them behind as a reminder) to make toast I found myself sighing and missing him.

When the kids were little and they slept in my bed I would extend my open palm side up and tap my fingers. This was my signal for I'm here with you in the darkness and no matter their state of sleep every time I tapped they would find my hand to hold. They are there and I'm still here and it is not an open hand anymore but "good morning", "what do you think of this ma?" and "can I use your Amazon account?" texts. The child wants an LED light strip above his bed. I acquiesced.

People say "you should be proud", I am. They say "you gave them wings to fly", I have. Job done, check, check, check.

I now this is what it IS, that it is good that it IS. That an empty house is a good thing. This was the plan, the aim with all things provided and all support given was to end up with an empty house. But in the end it is an empty house and I am sure it will get better but for now ..... there is no choice in grief.

Knowing right from wrong

On February 13th, 2019 I posted this on facebook.

"I saw a family today and had to give news of an Intellectual Disability. Over the many years I have worked in this field most parents ask "Will he/she finish high school/go to University?" Today for the first time ever the mother said "I don't care about school or University, what I really want to know is .... will he know right from wrong?" My answer was "Yes, he will", she looked so happy and then we both got teary"

Over the last few months this question of knowing right from wrong has been foremost on my mind. I've researched to try to make sense of what prevents some people from knowing right from wrong. Pondering, is it a choice, is is based on pathology, or is it both?

I have not come up with a clear answer. I have spent my life in a world of communication, love and kindness - so anything that does not look like kindness and concern for others is alien to me. I look after my family, I look after my patients and I do not think that I have caused any harm to others. This is not to say I'm perfect but I can tell right from wrong so that helps.

A few weeks ago I was at the airport and side by side were two books, one called "Everybody lies" and next to it "The power of kindness". It got me thinking, can you be kind and lie? Does the definition of kindness exclude lying? Or can lying include kindness? Kindness according to the dictionary is: the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate. The definition of lying: to tell an untruth, to fib, to fabricate, to invent a story. 

EUREKA! The secret may be in the word CONSIDERATE. In being considerate you CAN lie and also be kind BUT you HAVE TO KNOW what is right and what is wrong ..... so back to the beginning. When my grandmother was diagnosed with a heart condition we decided not to tell her, we were lying AND being kind as we thought she would worry. Thus lying and kind at once. The movie The Farewell is a story of a Chinese family who discovers their grandmother has only a short while to live and they decide to keep her in the dark so they schedule a fake family wedding so that everyone can say goodbye. KIND LYING - it seems to involve mostly grandmothers :)

Or maybe what is missing from the lying definition is that lying, can be right and wrong, good and bad, the bad type of lying, the bad type of telling an untruth, to fib, to fabricate, to invent a story is that this is done FOR A SELFISH GAIN and that is obviously NOT CONSIDERATE.

My children CONSTANTLY check in to see if they are being considerate and kind. Last weekend #2 and I were on Robson Street and a homeless man approached a group of tourists, he did get quite close to them but they were not kind or considerate to this man, they loudly and rudely told him to stay away, to back off. It was so uncomfortable that Benjamin and I looked at each other and said: "They must not be Canadian, that is not how we treat our homeless". We went back to see if he needed anything, he asked for a coffee, we got him one. 

I then thought when you are the recipient of the bad type of lying and serious unkindness from people who clearly do not know right from wrong, at least the right and wrong that falls within your moral compass, your clear ethical borders - what do you do? My scientific mind went to work! Searches and searches on pathological lying, how people make choices, how people measure gain, narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, social deviance, attachment, etc.. all in an attempt to scientifically explain the brain, explain the pathology. 

Today, as I searched some more Benjamin came in and asked what I was doing, so I told him - searching the literature for the brain reasons that make people lie and be unkind for gain and he says: "That is a futile search" I asked; "Why?" and he responded "Because no matter what you find, you also KNOW that people can make choices and choices are conscious". We differ there I don't think a sociopath can really makes a conscious choice due to his/her pathology but I digress.

Nonetheless. he is somewhat right, MOST people can make choices. A choice to lie or be truthful, to hurt or not, to be kind or unkind. So I stand corrected - being a "good or bad" human is not ONLY about knowing right from wrong but about KNOWING right from wrong AND making a choice. 

In the end, the keywords are wrong, right AND choice. May we all make the right, kind, considerate choices then. Oh and NO LYING, unless it is your grandma ;)

Life in pediatrics 1st edition - kids and their things

7 year old today. "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Yes, her name is Megan" "That's great" "Yes, she is special and she loves me" "Wonderful, how do you know that she loves you?" " She gives me water balloons" ..... THERE YOU GO, the TRUE measure of love? WATER 

BALLOONS!

Wearing camo lululemons today in clinic. 8 year old walks in and says "Why are you wearing camouflage pants?" Jokingly I say "Because I like to hunt kids with my nerf guns"  -- he smiles and says "Do you have any here, can you hunt me?"  Note to self: need to stop at dollar store on my way home to get supplies. Forget injuries, hunting is the new approach to rapport.

Sometimes to establish rapport with kids in clinic I go over their "injuries" monkey bars calluses, knee bruises etc.. (I know it is not in any pediatric training manual but it works). Today's 4 year old, came in and LOUDLY announced that he had gone camping that is why he had SOOOO many mosquito bites. "That's nothing I have a huge bruise on my leg from my bike" (I do, it's a huge 7 cm diameter -no joke- bike pedal bite bruise from a little fall I had) I said as I pulled up my pant to show him. He looks at it, looks at me and says: "You need to put your training wheels back on"

Kelowna outreach - 5 today year old had her shoes on the wrong feet so I say: “Oh, oh, your feet are in the wrong shoes, make sure you don’t trip” and she says “Dr. Lopez you can trip even when your feet are in the right shoes” 😕 INDEED

Comment from the 5 year old du jour - "Dr. Lopez you are pretty and you look good in blue but you suck at Connect Four". I was letting him win btw :), see why I love my job?

Yesterday I had a raspberry war with the daily 3 year old. Today I got hugs and wiped the noses of both the 9 am 4 year old and the 1 pm 5 year old. Despite my obsession with hand washing I should be commended for diligently working on bolstering my immunity.

I just saw five-year-old and I'm struggling to get in and out of the little pediatric chairs because my butt hurts from biking and she asks what's wrong so I say I went for a long bike ride yesterday and it was REALLY hard. She responds oh I know, biking is REALLY hard, do you have training wheels? They help!

The day has come, today a 5 year old looked at the push button phone on the wall in the clinic room and asked - "what is this?"

Things that are good about a broken collarbone according to today’s 5 year old: 1) people feed you ice cream 🍦 2) you don't have to drive (or bike) anywhere 🚲🚙 3) you can walk really slow 🐢 BUT more importantly 4) you can dance 🎶 👯 like a seal (we can't find the seal emoji but you get the visual right?)

I had a five-year-old in clinic today. He told me he had two cats their names are Jamal and Dexter. Out of all of the cat names in the world he chose these two!!!

I got to do a whole consult with my little itty bitty 3 year old patient sitting on my lap facing me while he hugged me. I patted his back and his mum told me his story. Perfect day so far!

Today's 8 year old. Me: "How's Grade 3 going?" Him: "It is really stressful" Me: "Oh, how come?" Him: "Its really hard to understand what girls like"

Last hour of the working day/year with 3 1/2 year old. We stand before the open toy cupboard: "What would you like to play with?" She pulls out the toy baby and says "Baby". Me: "Great, you can change his diaper". Takes baby to exam table, takes diaper off and says: "Oh, oh, this baby has no penis". I think I'm going to be very bored for the next two weeks.

Comment from the 6 year old du jour before I examined her and repeatedly warned her to be prepared as my hands are always very very cold. "No problem I live in the Yukon, I'm used to super cold"

I ask today's 6 year old - "Do you have a good friend in Grade 1?" "Yes, his name is Mason" "Great do you have a girlfriend?" "Yes her name is Olivia" "That is great do you think you will marry her someday?" He gives me this WTF?!?! look and says "NO! You don't go to school to get married you got to school to learn!" -

This morning's 6 year old: "So, do you have a girlfriend?" "NO WAY!, girls are gross!" "All girls? Not all of them are gross are they?" "No, not all of them" "Maybe, someday you'd like to marry one of them, would you like to get married someday?" "The only girl I would ever marry is BATGIRL!!!!" I. Love. My. Job.

Today's 6 year old: Me: "So do you have a girlfriend?" Him: "No I don't but you are pretty, do you want to be my girlfriend?"

A testament to Vancouver. Today's assessment with 7 year old, he builds a big tall Lego house and then throws a plastic ziploc bag on it. When I asked why he covered it he says: "It has a problem, it is a leaky condo"

Today's 7 year old walks into clinic with two identical stuffies (two cats) so I say "Wow those are great! What are their names?" "Checkers is a boy and Honey is a girl", she says while showing me. "Great you got one of each, how do you know which one is the boy and which one is the girl?" "Well, with stuffies you can tell a boy from a girl because the girl always has long eyelashes" Who knew?!? Kaoru- no need for the penis inspector license anymore.

Today's 7 year old. Me: "So what Grade are you in?" Him: "Well, right now I'm not in any Grade cause the teachers are not working. I don't know what to do. I think I am going to have to get in touch with them"

Today's 7 year old; "How old are you Dr. Lopez?" "You tell me, how old do you think I am?" "34!" .............. Today is a good day.

Lesson from today's 7 year old after my comment that the picture in the book I was showing him was of a turtle. "No Dr. Lopez, that is NOT a turtle it is a tortoise. You should know turtles swim, tortoises are land animals" #gottarenewmysubscriptiontoNatGeo

Assessing 8 year old. We are finished and heading out the door which he holds open for me. I say: "Thank you so much for holding the door for me" to which he responds "I always like to help out the old ladies" Ahhhhhhh ...... back at work and looooving it! :)

This afternoon in clinic: I had brothers in the exam room sitting side by side on the exam table, ages 8 and 10. I say to the 10 year old "You are going to have to take your pants off because I need to have a look" He asks: "You need to see my penis?!" I say "Yes, but don't worry, it is a very quick look." The 8 year old brother turns to him and says "Yes, she needs to look at your penis, but don't worry she is a doctor, the government gives her permission to do that"

Today with the eight-year-old: "So, do you think you might marry one of the girls in your Grade 2 class?" "Yes, but I have to wait until I am 15 because that's when boys get taller than girls and husbands are supposed to be taller than wives."

Today's 8 year old. Me: "So, you have girlfriend?" "No way, yuck." Me again: "Well yuck for now but maybe someday?" "No, I don't need a girlfriend." "How about when you are 50?" Him: "No, the only thing I will need when I am fifty is a driver's license."

10 year old walks in and asks: "Dr Lopez am I going to get a needle?" "I don't think so" "You don't think so?!?' Is that a maybe?! Because I'm ready to negotiate" "What do you mean negotiate?" He gives me a look and pulls two Hershey kisses out of his pocket. I turn to Mum who shrugs her shoulders and says: "His idea"

Today's 10 year old: "So, do you have a girlfriend?" "OF COURSE I do, but she doesn't know it and I think she hates me" "Oh no, what happened?" "Well, I haven't told her she is my girlfriend and every time I chase her she runs away"

Ego boost from today's 10 year old: "You are beautiful and you know what? You have a BIG brain too!"

Kiddo today: Grade 1. Me: "So you have a girlfriend in Grade 1?" Him: "Yes, I like her a lot" Me: "Huh, why do you like her so much?" Him: "Cause she wears glasses and likes to talk about hockey" #whatmorecouldyouwant

Yesterday's kiddo. "Are you good with money?" "I don't have any" "How come?" "Well, I used to make money but then the plants started dying" Mum turns to me and says: "He overwatered them" Kid to Mum: "I did NOT overwater them, they always looked thirsty"

I am fashionably (or so I thought) dressed in black today. Black top, black skirt, tights and heels. I walk into clinic and my kiddo of the day asks: "Halloween is not until tomorrow, why are you already wearing your witch costume?"

Today's kiddo: "I hear you like names" "I do" "Great, my name is Elena, in English it's Helen. Did you know there is a world famous historical Elena? Do you know who she was?" "WOW, no I didn't .. was it YOU?!?!?!"

Kiddo today: Me: "Do you have a pet? "Yep I do, I have a dog" "Great, what's your dog's name?" "Are you delirious" .... insert confused look here. Me: "What do you mean?" "That is his name - are you delirious" I turn to Mum, who nods and confirms yes that is the dog's name.

I found my soul mate today - Grade 1 kiddo. Me: "Do you have a pet?" "Nope" "Would you like one?" "Yup" "What would you like to have?" "A pet pig" "Oh that's a great idea!" Him: "Well only for a while because then it would be bacon"

Captain my Captain

The time has come. He will be gone. Off to search, to find, to amuse, to grow. My child. My number 2. My only child at home company for the last 3 years and I love him. I. LOVE. HIM. and I will miss him. Journalism is his new adventure. Ottawa his new life.

I remember when he was born and would not breathe. I remember him being loaded into the infant transport crib. When I saw him again they had shaved his head for IVs. I remember walking into the NICU for 10 straight days holding my breath, heart in my hand and sighing with relief at his sight. I remember his Dad looking into the bassinet saying "Benjamin, you are ridiculously small". I remember sitting on the glider to feed him and I remember my Dad arriving to see him on the day he came home.

I remember he had to be swaddled so tightly otherwise he would not sleep. I remember giving him Gravol at 11 months because I was exhausted and was going back to work so he NEEDED to let me sleep. I remember how he would wake up and pull to stand on the crib bar and bounce up and down loudly so we would know he was awake. I remember his first word - chacnono, chocolate for the rest of us.

I have an vivid image of him on the beach at Rathtrevor, diaper heavy and full of sand. The first time we went he didn't even walk so he would crawl around the parking lot eating rocks. I remember him seating with Santa at age 2, candy cane in his hand for an entire party so that every kid's picture with Santa had him in it too.

I remember him in elementary school, defiant at his First Communion, the only one not wearing the standard robe but proud in his blue suit. I remember his doubt at the religion being taught and his inquiring mind requiring clarification. I remember his non-sequitur brief but frequent one liner questions around sex at age 6. He required simple answers so I gave them and then he would walk away holding on to his new knowledge until another one popped in his head. I remember him challenging his teachers, loving to learn.

In high school he has found his place. He LOVES St. George's, loves his teachers, loves the clubs, loves it all. At Model UN he shines and likes to argue. He HATES Trump but LOVES the politics. He can have a conversation that leaves you knowing you have been heard. He is compassionate and kind and aware. I remember him lying on my bed talking about Head boy elections and his plans on what he would do if he had a chance. I yelled loudly when he was announced and he was still shaking when he came off the stage, the comments we heard were "He is a great guy, he is so humble, there are no airs about him, his peers made an excellent choice" As Captain he is part of his community, he is humble indeed but mostly he is unabashedly himself.

So, Captain my Captain, you are my extraordinary and to quote Siltanen yet again:

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

I. LOVE. YOU.