Empty house

I once read that the only good thing about grief is that you don't have a choice. I have now delivered #2 for the second time. This is my 2nd "second" delivery. It is PAINFUL, both times.

Worse this time as the house is empty and I cry every time I open the fridge. Grief comes in many forms and the fact that the fridge suffers no losses, we still have OJ and cheese and yogurt and milk plus I can find everything I bought in the pantry is sad - who knew after so many years of complaining this is what makes me cry. Today as I took the bag of bread ends (yup he left them behind as a reminder) to make toast I found myself sighing and missing him.

When the kids were little and they slept in my bed I would extend my open palm side up and tap my fingers. This was my signal for I'm here with you in the darkness and no matter their state of sleep every time I tapped they would find my hand to hold. They are there and I'm still here and it is not an open hand anymore but "good morning", "what do you think of this ma?" and "can I use your Amazon account?" texts. The child wants an LED light strip above his bed. I acquiesced.

People say "you should be proud", I am. They say "you gave them wings to fly", I have. Job done, check, check, check.

I now this is what it IS, that it is good that it IS. That an empty house is a good thing. This was the plan, the aim with all things provided and all support given was to end up with an empty house. But in the end it is an empty house and I am sure it will get better but for now ..... there is no choice in grief.