53 - TSUNAMI

53 

This is the most difficult year blog to write. This is probably my most vulnerable self. But ... Brené Brown does say good things come from vulnerability so here goes. 

In early 2019 I started going to talk to a counselor, when she asked what I wanted to achieve while working with her, my response was “I want to be ready for the tsunami of grief I see coming” 

Now either I’m very perceptive, which I am, and I REALLY did see it coming or I sent the wrong intention out to the world with my words. Like in: HERE I am world ready for my tsunami - send it.

And ...... It came. 

First with the slow realization that my child rearing years at home were coming to an end and while I was so proud to see #2 ready to go; this wave was still going to hit me head on. It did. Pride, happiness but also an overwhelming sadness. I am better now but it was a tough tall heavy wave and many times it dragged me under.

Second, and I still hesitate to write about it as I’m supposed to be strong, resilient and powerful. I am not supposed to give too much away and/or worried about what people might think about me. But I also say - HOW can we talk about shame when we are too ashamed to talk? 

So, the next wave HIT as follows: Dr. Lopez was duped. 

I was played BIG TIME by a “partner” who I was supposed to trust. The duplicitous vile embarrassing ending reads like a fictional novel and someday I will make a fortune writing a book about it. I have to say I have fought back in my own way. SB, scamming, lying and duplicity need to be called out. 

I was ashamed that I didn’t see it sooner. And I’m a little ashamed now to write here that I let it happen BUT hey in the end the only “fault” here is that I’m just SOO human. A human who was duped by another human who lacks integrity. They are out there  and it happens so ... not REALLY my shame huh? 

This “experience” has led to the indisputable fact that I want to be part of a community of women who look after each other, and who call out deviant sociopathic behaviour. Unfortunately, not all women agree and so the behaviour goes unchecked and women lose. This event has made me into a STAUNCH feminist and I’ve done what I can to further the cause. 

Third, I have aging parents. I look so much like my Mum that it is like looking at myself in a mirror. She is beautiful and luminous but slowly fading and that is profoundly sad. 

My Dad - a rock of support, love and strength who can still resolve complicated calculus equations in his head is now needing my elbow to hold up and down the stairs and needs to “put his ears on” (read hearing aids) so we can talk. All expected at this age but still the passage of time has somehow become more obvious. Grief wave. Thus the start of the tsunami. With larger waves to come. 

That is not to say there have not been happy moments. Lulls of happiness between the waves. 

This year I have learned to get comfortable with goodbyes as they eventually come with BEAUTIFUL new hellos and long hugs. I have learned to tolerate the absences because they will yield new experiences and renewed connection. I have learned there is an ARMY of women willing to listen to my sad woes, agree with my indignation and anger and let me drain what seems to be their bottomless tanks of empathy. THANK YOU! 

In 2016, the year of the lobster, my Dad encouraged me to learn from my distress and grow a bigger shell. 

I’m trying - 2019, Year of the Lobster Part deux. If you see me walking around while wiggling, crying or asking for hugs it is because I’m forcing the shell to grow. 

Oh and also, stay tuned for my book - it’s bound to be a bestseller!!!