50

Well ...... here I am. 50. Yes, 50. What is there to say about 50?

Well, it is a ... contradictory age. I am happy to be here but it also sucks to be here, not because I want to be anywhere else but because I am here. Am I sounding slightly unbalanced?

People say "Oh come onnnn age is just a number" but no, it is not just a number it is a real passing of time and accumulation of experiences that makes it not JUST a number. Yes, we may all feel 25 in our heads but we are 50, we have had 50 years of life or LIFE!! depends on how you see it and lived it.

Biologically however, I have to sadly break it to you, 50 years means shorter telomeres, less XXs, big time cellular apoptosis, mitochondrial oxidative stress, reduced cardiovascular endurance and reduced or maybe even lack of neuronal plasticity. Yep, cells age - so in the end, it is not "just" a number.

I met an old friend a few weeks ago who I had not seen in a very very long time. As she was coming up the stairs I said: "Come here I want to give you a 15 year old hug" and she says: "Actually it is a 35 year old hug, I did the math" We had not seen each other since age 15!! So this is what 50 is - it is that WTF? moment in life when you can say the last time you did something was 35 years ago!!!

50 is walking into your office and seeing the new resident or fellow and realizing that you are 50 because you are no longer Elena and will forever after be Dr. Lopez. And while you are proud that you have become knowledgeable and respectable you would also like to be part young, cool and hip, and while you can probably still achieve the cool hip part the young part is out of reach.

50 is realizing you are now saying forever goodbyes. Not temporary 20 year old,  I'll-see-you-at-age-40 goodbyes but more like: I-hope-the-rest-of-your-life-is-amazing-goodbyes. At 50, you begin to lose people permanently due to circumstances, work, relationships, geography or disagreement.

50 is occasionally running into little kids (read patients) who think they should help "old ladies". 50 also is running into someone that says "You know what? You are pretty sexy for 50" which should sound like a compliment except for the "pretty" and "for" part. In other words, 50 means that compliments sometimes need a qualifier.

50 is beginning to develop a serious case of "onism". Which to quote the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows  is: "the frustration of being stuck in just one body that inhibits one place at a time, which is like standing in front of the departure screens at an airport flickering over with strange place names each representing one more thing you'll never get to see because, as the map helpfully points out, YOU ARE HERE".

Buuuuut ..... 50 also means that YOU. ARE. HERE. And I mean the fabulously mindful take-a-deep-breath I. AM. HERE. See the contradiction?

Here's the kicker of age 50, when asked what age would you want to go back to, you sit there and ponder ...... well, 25 would be nice, but then I wouldn't be in Canada. So then you think ok, 35, then but then I would not have Benjamin and that would suck. Fine then 40, well.... no because I would not be where I am now in my career. And so on and so on ... Thankfully, knowing where you are now makes you not want to go back so you start getting used to the idea of 50 being okay because you actually have no choice.

Here I am, beginning the 6th decade of life, needing to now check the 50-55 age box - exciting, happy, awesome (in not in the awesome duuude way but the real AWEsome) but also scary.

I recently read that impermanence can be startlingly beautiful. Maybe the passage of time, that ultimate measure of impermanence, is truly poignant, truly sorrowful, truly mournful but more than anything, truly beautiful.

So, here I go, taking the next big step and surrendering to beauty.