This is the definition of shame by Merriam-Webster. Shame: a painful emotion caused by of humiliating disgrace or disrepute or ignominy, something that brings censure or reproach, something to be regretted.
I was listening to a podcast on NPR called The mind of the mark https://www.npr.org/2019/07/29/746407667/the-mind-of-the-mark , it talks about the mind of a person who has been scammed and feels shame. One of the experts discusses the fact that there are no accurate statistics for fraud as people are too ASHAMED to talk about it. People don't want to let other people know they were fooled or abused so we never find out and the behaviour goes unpunished.
I followed the Harvey Weinstein case and it also got me thinking that one of the reasons this behaviour (not only with Weinstein but also with others) went on for SO many years is because many of the women were to ASHAMED to talk about what had happened to them despite the UNDENIABLE FACT THAT THIS WAS NOT THEIR FAULT.
More recently I've been talking to women about events in their life which were NOT their fault but yet made them feel shame and this theme come up over and over again. "Oh I would never talk about it, I'd be too ashamed' "I could never really talk about it, I am embarrassed that I let it happen" "I can't talk about it, I am so ashamed, I'd have to admit I was dumb enough to fall for a predator". I have to admit; I felt the same way after the big Dr. Lopez dupe. As I wrote in my last blog - HOW can we talk about shame if we are to ashamed to talk?
Its time to change! In her book Brene Brown talks vulnerability and the silent shame epidemic. She also talks about shame resilience.
I leave you with her instructions to foster shame resilience:
- Being able to recognize, name and understand our shame triggers.
- Developing critical awareness about our own shame webs and triggers.
- Being willing to reach out to others (rather than hide and isolate ourselves).
- Having the ability to speak about our experiences of shame with those who have earned the right to hear them.
Lets do this, let's talk about shame!
Brene Brown is awesome!
ReplyDeleteGreat conversation and thoughts to ponder. I'd like to add my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking to the Dictionary definition which could use some sprucing up...also to say, I distinguish between guilt and shame. I've even heard Brenee also use the following definitions: Guilt is related to realizing "I did a bad thing." Shame is more about judging oneself as "a bad person."
Notice in both of the definitions it's about 'me'. Either I did something 'bad' or I am 'bad'. It's not about the other person. It's not about ...someone did something bad to me. Which leads us to the 'real work'.
I think the real work to be done is to acknowledge what I can accept responsibility for and own it. Then, acknowledge what's not my responsibility and accept that. I said those two things pretty quickly ...and I'm not deluding myself that they are as easily done as said. Having said that... I firmly believe that it is important work...mental health saving/life saving kind of important work.
As for feeling 'ashamed'...I think of this as the experience of feeling embarrassed. It's connected to what someone else did in that, I'm judging myself for what someone else did. And, my embarrassment comes from this happening to me. My internal conversation might be about what I did that allowed, invited or inspired this to happen.