This child of mine

The child. The sun. The sand. The beach. He sits beside. That's summer gone he says but Fall is here and every season has it's charm. I nod. I sigh. He is wise this child of mine.

Before judging ...... ask!

I have a colleague, Dr. Barbara Fitzgerald, who has been speaking about poverty and particularly how poverty affects families in Canada for many years. A few weeks ago she published an article in the Vancouver Sun again speaking out about how few resources are available for these families. I come from Mexico and when I posted this link on facebook a few of my friends commented that they had no idea we had this kind of poverty in Canada. Well, there is.

I experience the effects of poverty on families a daily basis. My biggest revelation came from a mother who brought her kids to see me a few years ago. I try NEVER to be late to consult but this time I was about 15 minutes late to start, what kept me was probably not too terribly important so when I led them into the room I apologized for my delay. She very kindly said: "Dr. Lopez it's okay but we have to be finished in less that an hour and a half before my bus transfer runs out. I do not have the $5 dollars that the return bus ticket costs."

Then yesterday Dr. Fitzgerald published a response to another letter that accused the poor of being "lazy" for not preparing healthy meals for their children relying instead on giving them junk food. In it she writes: I am president of a charity called Mom to Mom, (which is online at m2mcharity.ca). We pair women with other moms to offer a caring alternative to the judgment they often have levelled at them."

I have also seen this judgment that she mentions often. 

My children went to a little Catholic School that is in wealthy area of Vancouver, but this school also services a nearby First Nations community in which not everyone has everything they want. When a child showed up well into January without the dress code long blue pants but wore instead shorts and always showed up without a jacket the talk of the playground was that his mother was negligent. When I took the time to ask the mother if she needed help her response was; "You know we just can't afford the pants or the jacket for now." I told the principal and she provided both. The very next day the child showed up properly attired. Even after that some mothers still insisted that the lack of money was not true, to quote "She can't afford pants BUT she has a cell phone". To clarify, a cell phone is not always a luxury but a LIFELINE! How else will you get a job if you don't have a way to be contacted? How else will you call the police if you are in danger? 

In practice I try to teach residents and fellows to not judge and look beyond. A few months ago we saw a family in clinic, mother and two kids who were wearing dirty clothes and looked like they had not been "cared for". The resident suggested that we call the MCFD and notify them of the kids' states. My response was - hang on, let's find out what is going on and what we can do to help. Turned out this woman lives in a 36 apartment building with TWO available washers and dryers AND as she said "you have to sit next to them as you wash otherwise your clothes get stolen". She has two other young kids so she waits until her husband gets home to do laundry but by then it is dark and there are no hall lights in her building plus she has been assaulted in her building in the past. So .... no clean clothes. 

The lesson: Before judging .......... ask. Before judging .............. offer help.

PS. Dr. Fitzgerald as mentioned above is the president Mom to Mom. Find it online www.m2mcharity.ca and offer your time, a donation or just get informed.

Extraordinary

September has always seemed the month for renewal, contrary to January where things just go on, September is always filled with promise. A new year full of new stuff. After the lull of summer, new school year, new patients, new grants, new research, new boots ;) Add to that the new, almost age of 49 and the need for renewal grows. You see, I am slowly approaching the NOW WHAT? age.

In case you don't know what the NOW WHAT? age is, it is that time in life when you ask yourself just that - NOW WHAT? I have teenage kids who are almost completely independent. I am fairly proficient at my job. I am doing research that I love. I am in fairly decent fit shape. I am happy, NOW WHAT?

So, I've been thinking maybe it is time to do something extraordinary. Maybe it is time to join Doctors without borders (I have been wanting to do this for years!) and go fight Ebola. Maybe it is time to renew the Harvard contacts and take the job. Maybe it is time to climb Mount Everest. Maybe it is time to go on some exhaustive self reflective walk on El Camino de Santiago in Spain. Maybe I need to do the Totem to Totem Haida Gwaii Marathon. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

And then this morning as if on cue to my do-something-extraordinary-quest, one of my three calming apps (yes, in my own weird overachiever way I have downloaded not one but THREE calming apps on my iPhone: Calm, Be Calm and Simply Being) wakes me up with my daily reminder to be mindful: "Today, take the time to notice the ordinary things in life that make you happy".

So, I started noticing, first the ordinary fact that made me happy was that I managed to unload the one-more-day-and-it-will-be-too-late-to-eat-bananas in the kid's lunches. But then it got better, it made me happy to see that there was still some of the two gallon OJ I bought two days ago in the fridge, ordinary. Then it made me happy to see that the rain has stopped and we had sun, ordinary (but not as much as the fruit related ordinary events, we agree?). On and on it went, happy after happy ordinary stuff.

Then it was the ordinary happy time to drop the teenagers off at school, their first day of school. Sebastian, a by now veteran in Grade 11 and Benjamin a new Grade 8. Both of them in their gray pants, white collared button down shirt, blue tie and blue blazer (a la Dead Poets Society as my friend would say).

I drive, happy in the sun, happy with the ordinary fact that there was no traffic. At the corner I stop and let them out and as I watch them walk away it hits me - THERE IT IS!! MY EXTRAORDINARY feat already done, two boys walking away side by side, talking and laughing, confident, kind, lovely - EXTRAORDINARY!