LIFE

Even when you think you are prepared for a friend to die and you have not seen them in a long time, the pain is still abysmal. Even when you are thankful and know it is for the best that they are at peace now, there is still an enormous void. The sudden overwhelming pain at the "expected" news takes your breath away. It takes you by surprise despite the fact that you always knew this was going to happen and in the last little while you knew it could happen any minute. 

Her presence is in every high school memory I have. She always had a smile on her face. When we were growing up her house was the place where we would gather for lunch and talk endlessly. Hours and hours of talk. Discussions about boys mostly, but also the future, what our plans were and where we saw ourselves going. This continued during University even though we all went our different way, we would still have the weekend get togethers at her house. 

We took many trips to the beach together. I remember renting this dinky apartment in Acapulco and then every day walking to the beach at El Cano, where we would lie on our towels, eating coconut and jicama with lemon and chile that we had bought from the beach vendors and talking, talking, talking, all the time. I remember having to coordinate ourselves to fool the guards at the hotel entrace so we could cool off in their hotel pool which was off-limits to non-guests. I remember going for a long walk on the beach with her and on the way back throwing a towel in front of us for every step and then jumping on to it together because the sand was so hot. We couldn't stop laughing at how ridiculous that was.

I remember when and how she met her husband. One day I want to sit down with her children and tell them about it, it makes for a great love story. I remember her wedding dress. I remember her wedding. I remember her decorating her new house. I remember her pregnant. I remember seeing her face when I showed up to meet her children as newborns and I remember her looking lovely.  I remember. I remember. I remember.

I know she ADORED  her children. One time she took her first born to one of those commercial auditions and he got chosen to be in a major add campaign for a large department store. I remember her proudly beaming while pointing out his smiley face on a few billboards in Mexico City. I remember her kids had dropped a marble in her brand new van and we couldn't find it so it would roll back and forth with every brake of the car, at first it was annoying but then it became a great source of fun. "WHERE is the GOD DAMN ghost marble? WHERE did you kids drop it?". She was incredibly generous, most of my children's first clothes were hand me downs from her. She was wise, I remember her giving Sebastian a plate of jello to play with and giving me plenty of advice when she was a much more experienced mother than I was. I remember. I remember. I remember.

I really do not recall ever seeing her in a bad mood and I know I am sounding like every other person who has ever written a tribute mentioning only the good things, but in this I am truthful. She was funny. She was ALIVE. She was caring. She would get worried. She was scared sometimes. She would get angry but not very often. Mostly, she was HAPPY.

I saw very little of her decline as I was living in Canada by then but we were born one day apart so we would always catch up on our birthdays and see each other when I was in Mexico City. She was one of those friends with whom you can start every new conversation as if you had seen each other the day before. Then one year I noticed she was disorganized in her thoughts and she could not follow our phone conversation. That same year I started hearing she wasn't remembering things and had a hard time with other tasks. Eventually this led to her diagnosis and the expected decline. I saw her a few years ago and despite her situation I thought she could hear me and laugh with me but maybe I was just being optimistic and WANTED her to hear me and laugh with me.

Today, as I sit here with this hole in my heart I have decided that what I need to do is to remember her LIFE. Today, my mind is full of her and I will smile and celebrate every time I think of her.