LIFE

Even when you think you are prepared for a friend to die and you have not seen them in a long time, the pain is still abysmal. Even when you are thankful and know it is for the best that they are at peace now, there is still an enormous void. The sudden overwhelming pain at the "expected" news takes your breath away. It takes you by surprise despite the fact that you always knew this was going to happen and in the last little while you knew it could happen any minute. 

Her presence is in every high school memory I have. She always had a smile on her face. When we were growing up her house was the place where we would gather for lunch and talk endlessly. Hours and hours of talk. Discussions about boys mostly, but also the future, what our plans were and where we saw ourselves going. This continued during University even though we all went our different way, we would still have the weekend get togethers at her house. 

We took many trips to the beach together. I remember renting this dinky apartment in Acapulco and then every day walking to the beach at El Cano, where we would lie on our towels, eating coconut and jicama with lemon and chile that we had bought from the beach vendors and talking, talking, talking, all the time. I remember having to coordinate ourselves to fool the guards at the hotel entrace so we could cool off in their hotel pool which was off-limits to non-guests. I remember going for a long walk on the beach with her and on the way back throwing a towel in front of us for every step and then jumping on to it together because the sand was so hot. We couldn't stop laughing at how ridiculous that was.

I remember when and how she met her husband. One day I want to sit down with her children and tell them about it, it makes for a great love story. I remember her wedding dress. I remember her wedding. I remember her decorating her new house. I remember her pregnant. I remember seeing her face when I showed up to meet her children as newborns and I remember her looking lovely.  I remember. I remember. I remember.

I know she ADORED  her children. One time she took her first born to one of those commercial auditions and he got chosen to be in a major add campaign for a large department store. I remember her proudly beaming while pointing out his smiley face on a few billboards in Mexico City. I remember her kids had dropped a marble in her brand new van and we couldn't find it so it would roll back and forth with every brake of the car, at first it was annoying but then it became a great source of fun. "WHERE is the GOD DAMN ghost marble? WHERE did you kids drop it?". She was incredibly generous, most of my children's first clothes were hand me downs from her. She was wise, I remember her giving Sebastian a plate of jello to play with and giving me plenty of advice when she was a much more experienced mother than I was. I remember. I remember. I remember.

I really do not recall ever seeing her in a bad mood and I know I am sounding like every other person who has ever written a tribute mentioning only the good things, but in this I am truthful. She was funny. She was ALIVE. She was caring. She would get worried. She was scared sometimes. She would get angry but not very often. Mostly, she was HAPPY.

I saw very little of her decline as I was living in Canada by then but we were born one day apart so we would always catch up on our birthdays and see each other when I was in Mexico City. She was one of those friends with whom you can start every new conversation as if you had seen each other the day before. Then one year I noticed she was disorganized in her thoughts and she could not follow our phone conversation. That same year I started hearing she wasn't remembering things and had a hard time with other tasks. Eventually this led to her diagnosis and the expected decline. I saw her a few years ago and despite her situation I thought she could hear me and laugh with me but maybe I was just being optimistic and WANTED her to hear me and laugh with me.

Today, as I sit here with this hole in my heart I have decided that what I need to do is to remember her LIFE. Today, my mind is full of her and I will smile and celebrate every time I think of her. 

 

48

48 TODAY!! Life continues to lack clarity. Loving continues to leave traces. Some things just ARE (yep, in caps, ARE. End. Of.) To quote the Indigo Girls: "the less I seek my source for some definitives the closer I am to fine". Think BRAIN not BLAME. Grab every opportunity to add a new chapter to your life. Gravity takes a toll. The people that should go to nudie beaches can NEVER be found at nudie beaches. There is value in getting lost. LOVE, but more importantly SHOW LOVE. GIVE. En vida. BE MINDFUL OF EVERY MOMENT and MAKE VIDEOS IN YOUR HEAD!!! Remember your loved ones. If you miss someone, let them know. If someone makes you happy, let them know! You know that expression: doubled over with grief?, it happens. Accept compliments. If you see someone who needs help - HELP!! Do not give out personal information to strangers (NOOO it doesn't matter how friendly they seem). Listen to you own advice!!! There are many ways of saying no that do not require the word no. No toda distancia es ausencia ni todo silencio es olvido. Rainy days are good for getting stuff done. Ryan Gosling is a thing of beauty. I have a REALLY hard time with uncertainty. Unfortunately, I have an almost pathological need to REMAIN, this causes a lot of havoc. Accept the kindness of strangers and pay it forward. "Angels" come in more than one form ie. they don't always float and they hardly ever have wings ;). I'm "rejection sensitive" (who isn't huh?). Maybe walking away is NOT always the answer. Multitasking is OVERrated, ONE thing at a time. I CAN be serene. Restorative yoga - enough said. I'm not aggressive, I'm "goal oriented". I LOVE what I do and I do it well. Giving bad news continues to suck. 15 year olds (not unlike 14 year olds) continue to hate public displays of attention and it looks like 12 year olds suffer from the same affliction. NOBODY watches TV shows when they are on, EVERYBODY tapes them. I am unhip. The best place to have serious conversations is during long trips in the car (kids are sequestered and there's no need to make eye contact). According to Benjamin: "You don't need to speak Spanish to navigate a woman's body", I agree. Benjamin is wise. No matter how much he rolls he eyes I KNOW #1 LOVES ME! (insert whisper here - don't tell anyone but often in the dark and when no one is watching he TELLS me he loves me!). Running is by far the best therapy. ZZ Ward and David Myles make for upbeat happy running. I'm SEMI handy - surprise! I can get high on the power that comes with pressure washing. Sunny days are for PLAYING oUTSIDE!  Remember, it is NOT nagging IT IS LOVE. Leave a mark in this world and make it a GOOD one! Life is ONE breath, ONE breath! So ... BREATHE!!! Love TODAY. Do TODAY. Feel TODAY. Learn TODAY. Kiss TODAY. Hug TODAY. LIVE TODAY!!! En vida. En vida. En vida. For the next year I urge myself to be ardent, impassioned, kind, zealous, passionate, tender, thoughtful and considerate but most of all I urge myself to start another FULLY MINDFUL rotation around the sun.

47

HOLY RELAMPAGOS I woke up this morning and all of a sudden I'm 47!! HOW did that happen??!! Here are last year's lessons: Miracles DO happen, Mexico CAN beat Brazil in soccer. Always, always be kind, with every word and every action BE KIND! Do not expect loyalty where there is no loyalty to expect. Sometimes, it is better to just walk away. 14 year olds (not unlike 13 year olds) HATE public di...splays of affection. I gave birth to really witty children. Apparently I nag just a little too much. I suspect in a previous life I was British given my affliction for period pieces and Downton Abbey. I eat out of a doggie bowl. It's a very GOOD thing I listened to the warnings against buying into the Facebook IPO. If you are not having a good day borrow a baby to hold. I am weird and logical. I can't bake. Turns out it's all about impact not intent. Take time to remember loved ones. There are very few choices when it comes to grief. Sun euphoria leads to painful injuries and black eyes. I gotta relax and let life just ... happen. Remember to CREATE and explore new knowledge every day. Im SOLAR POWERED! Apologize for your mistakes. Giving bad news STILL and I suspect will ALWAYS SUCK. Blue eyes make me feel sexy. Rape IS rape. Oldies are still goodies. The new song to cross triumphant finish lines in races - Hall of Fame by The Script. Keep eating chocolate, it may win you a Nobel. If you eat too much chocolate you gain weight - duh!!!! I LOVE bluegrass music and Chris Thile rocks! Running is THE best therapy. To quote my brother: "nobody is really paying that much attention to what you do so allow yourself to dance". Always be kindly blunt, straightforward and upfront. Say it and do it IN LIFE! The people I work with are pretty awesome and darn tooting respectful. For the record I voted FOR hugs (see below). Cuddle and read sessions should be held as often as possible. Pricey sneakers and good bras are well worth their price. There is ABSOLUTELY no trading IQ points especially NOT for bigger breast! SQUAT do not sit! Ann Coulter is an insensitive bitch. Never underestimate the power of a good hair day. Sometimes in life there is just no winning so settle for the lesson. Time puts color in everything. I am not condescending I'm often thinking of important stuff that other people would never understand . I look good in blue. Its ok, and I don't have to feel guilty if I want to stay indoors and nap every weekend from November to May - bears do it, no big deal. And last but not least I'm NOT loud I'm just Mexican. Oh! hang on, one more, being closer to 50 does not get you any closer to understanding the "meaning" of life -so keep searching or maybe just LIVING! By the way: WIDE OPEN FOR HUGS TODAY (particularly non -respectful ones) :))))))

46

Well, here it is, 46. What have I learned in the last year?

Life lacks clarity. Loving leaves traces . There is no unencumbered path, so ... Suck. It. Up. Old friends can be new friends. A sexy pair of shoes is ALWAYS worth it. Kale is a superfood so eat it! DO NOT PANIC if you forget stuff, its unlikely to be early Alzheimer. Harvard can wait. Working with children leads to looong lingering cold...s. True friends tell you true things. 13 year olds HATE public displays of affection. I love my job and the people I work with. Giving bad news sucks. Linkin Park will make me run faster and longer. The last 500 meters of every race should be run to the tune of Hedley's Invincible. My children are THE coolest kids around. Reading by the fireplace is one of the best things to do while on this planet. Do not neglect your yearly mammogram. Not all relationships are reciprocal so do what makes you happy. Downhill mountain biking was NOT a good idea. And last but certainly not least ...... fish fart!!!

45

I am 45 years old today. I have hugged and kissed my children daily. I climbed 48
floors in 12 minutes and ran my first 10 km race! I have enjoyed and rejoiced
in every new experience. I have also sunk a little but not drowned in some
amount of turmoil, pain and despair. I have had my arms open to welcome
whatever life throws my way and all experiences have left me with a few
valuable lessons. Today is a good day.