Captain my Captain

The time has come. He will be gone. Off to search, to find, to amuse, to grow. My child. My number 2. My only child at home company for the last 3 years and I love him. I. LOVE. HIM. and I will miss him. Journalism is his new adventure. Ottawa his new life.

I remember when he was born and would not breathe. I remember him being loaded into the infant transport crib. When I saw him again they had shaved his head for IVs. I remember walking into the NICU for 10 straight days holding my breath, heart in my hand and sighing with relief at his sight. I remember his Dad looking into the bassinet saying "Benjamin, you are ridiculously small". I remember sitting on the glider to feed him and I remember my Dad arriving to see him on the day he came home.

I remember he had to be swaddled so tightly otherwise he would not sleep. I remember giving him Gravol at 11 months because I was exhausted and was going back to work so he NEEDED to let me sleep. I remember how he would wake up and pull to stand on the crib bar and bounce up and down loudly so we would know he was awake. I remember his first word - chacnono, chocolate for the rest of us.

I have an vivid image of him on the beach at Rathtrevor, diaper heavy and full of sand. The first time we went he didn't even walk so he would crawl around the parking lot eating rocks. I remember him seating with Santa at age 2, candy cane in his hand for an entire party so that every kid's picture with Santa had him in it too.

I remember him in elementary school, defiant at his First Communion, the only one not wearing the standard robe but proud in his blue suit. I remember his doubt at the religion being taught and his inquiring mind requiring clarification. I remember his non-sequitur brief but frequent one liner questions around sex at age 6. He required simple answers so I gave them and then he would walk away holding on to his new knowledge until another one popped in his head. I remember him challenging his teachers, loving to learn.

In high school he has found his place. He LOVES St. George's, loves his teachers, loves the clubs, loves it all. At Model UN he shines and likes to argue. He HATES Trump but LOVES the politics. He can have a conversation that leaves you knowing you have been heard. He is compassionate and kind and aware. I remember him lying on my bed talking about Head boy elections and his plans on what he would do if he had a chance. I yelled loudly when he was announced and he was still shaking when he came off the stage, the comments we heard were "He is a great guy, he is so humble, there are no airs about him, his peers made an excellent choice" As Captain he is part of his community, he is humble indeed but mostly he is unabashedly himself.

So, Captain my Captain, you are my extraordinary and to quote Siltanen yet again:

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

I. LOVE. YOU.

53

1965 - 53! URGENT need for time travelling capabilities. This year ..... what can I say? I see the number - 53 and I don't believe it. In the whole scheme of things life is so so so short . REALLY short. It will be well used, VERY well used but it is short and that is becoming more and more apparent with every passing year. My Dad once said he would like an extended ride on this carousel and I agree. I know people will say come on don't be morbid it's only 53, but there it is. Kid #1 is 20! Kid #2 is ready to launch next September. I will be alone, time as a full time "away" mother begins. Scary (for me). Life is changing. Truthfully, I am not good at change and the adjustment may prove tough. This year, lots of good times, good hikes, good wine, good fires, good spins, good company, new friends, lots of Catan, new adventures, new places, Niagara, Tofino, Jasper, North Cascade Mountains,  new ideas, new projects and MANY new I. Am. HERE moments. Still though - 53. No changing that. Like it or not, past the halfway mark. So, I keep saying to myself  "enjoy", breathe", “kiss more”, "hug a little longer", "make videos in your head", "remember this moment", "absorb all of it",  "breathe in every inch of this", "be mindful" - like a relentless mantra for the aging.  Life in most of its forms, messy and uncertain. Love, love, love.

52 - the year of the lobster

I will turn 52 years old at noon today. 

My day used to start with a customary 6 am morning call to wish me a happy birthday. This was started by my maternal grandmother and then by my parents. Over the years this had become a tradition, everybody used to get a 6 AM morning call on their birthdate. Maybe it was because it’s easy to remember who was born on a particular day when the day is new and bright, or maybe, because they just wanted to make the call and get it over with, but in any case on November 26th I was used to always waking up to a happy greeting after the also customary HOLY-CRAP-who-calls-this-early?!?!? tachycardia. 

But this is 2017 and we have facebook! and in its own dementia prevention way everyone is reminded to think of you on your day and most greetings and birthday wishes now are virtual because there is also texting, instagram, Twitter and snapchat. Soo, because I don't list my birthday on facebook I am doing my public anti-Alzeheimer's service to those of you reading this blog entry.

Reflections: last year; the year of the clavicle or as I like to think of it: "the year I became a lobster". 

This lobster reference because of a video sent by my Dad encouraging me to grow from the discomfort, like lobsters do when they grow too big for their shells. 

My lobster conversion required:

About 100 spin classes despite the broken bone, not too many runs this year, but countless contemplative beach walks. 

Many hours of poolside lounging and sitting on beaches. 

Lots of new stories.

Many new friendships and my appreciation of the old ones - THANK YOU! 

Incessant self reflection with my excruciatingly analytical self as well as my Excel "life data" spreadsheet. 

The pride of raising a decently self sufficient 2nd year University Student and letting him go and a still-at-home Grade 11 child with plenty of aplomb to speak his mind. 

A WORLD of knowledge about bed bugs!! 

Too few new hugs but a lot of PROUD nagging and cajoling to get the "Mum-length" hugs I did get. 

The ongoing practiced capacity to embrace vulnerability and ask for help. 

The ongoing need for self-assurance and the wisdom to walk away gracefully. 

The year of the lobster, the year of PATIENCE. I learned to slow down (a little) and attached a sticky note to my computer to remind me to “engage in faith”. EVERY day I read it and think: yes, except for some catastrophic events most everything turns out okay so BREATHE -  EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. 

Let's do this again, once more around the sun. I'm off to spin.

51

Every year on my birthday I write a long list of things I have learned in the last 365 days of my life.

This year's list starts with: BE CAREFUL ON YOUR BIKE!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I stress that enough? Good, got that one out of the way. 

Second: BE PATIENT!!!! I have limited ability for self patience and I am sorry to say I am not diligently approaching a strategy for solving the problem so most of the time I rant - sorry if I have held you up from meetings, patients, meals and/or general life events due to my incessant whining. 

Third: FRONT CLOSING BRAS ROCK!! who was that genius?? THANK YOU genius! 

On to more; COMMUNITY ROCKS! you know that "if you build it they will come?" well ... if you ask they will help. I've never had an issue with making an ass of myself so I have asked and they have helped, from "Would you mind helping me with my coat?" to "Would you mind carrying this to my table?" and more so ... THANK YOU!

More; Caring for someone deeply is risk business, make the investment. Ottawa is really far away, geographical distance - ugh, yuck. Let go, but only a little. Call your parents, they miss you. TOUCH. LOVE, talk, show or TEXT love often.

Be kind.  Ask, don't assume. Find someone to hug.  Dance often.  Be thankful and say thank you. Be grateful  and show it. Be mindful and breathe. Find beauty. Once more, LOVE, talk, show or TEXT love often.

Here I go, with any luck once more around the sun. 

Emergency C-section

Last week I posted a blog about a second delivery. If I'm going to confess I have to say that I also had a bit of a birth plan. I had envisioned this delivery at University as a very Zen West Coast Namaste type delivery. 

We would arrive and together, unpack quietly, play good music and decorate his room. Every once in a while we would remember his childhood and other family events and laugh. 

There would be lots of hugs and long lingering thoughtful moments of isn't-it-great-that-we-get-to-spend-this-time-together. You know? Zen. Namaste. Birth plan. I know, I know, ridiculous. 

What I got instead was the equivalent of an emergency C-section!! No Zen. No Namaste. Botched birth plan. Emergency c-section. 

This is how it went; first all the cars delivering children to first-year residence would lineup and end up in front of the building. There was a swarm of students assigned to help. Some had painted their body purple top to bottom and were dressed up. They did the wave as the car pulled up!

Every student and their family was greeted with concert loud music and the wave. Yes, they did the wave. Once the car door opened the crowd started chanting "Drop the kid. Drop the kid. Drop the kid." followed by loud clapping and another chant; this time: "Pop the trunk. Pop the trunk. Pop the trunk." 

Once the trunk was popped stickers were placed on every item and like worker ants the helper students brought everything to the designated room. Three floors up the stairs. It was hot, very very hot, 29°C hot. Up the stairs they would chant, hooter and holler yell and scream "Yay!!!! Welcome to Carleton" 

Once on the hallway they would wait for the student to swipe his or her card key to enter the room while chanting "Swipe the key. Swipe the key. Swipe the key" I have to say it was a little overwhelming. My number one has never been the hoot and holler kind and I kept wondering if they had any students with autism and what they would do with all the stimuli. 

This went on all day. Now imagine eight floors with, I didn't count but at least 20 rooms per floor if not more and EVERY student was greeted in the same manner. Needless to say, it was loud. Not Zen but more like every single crazy University movie you ever saw. 

However, this crazy university movie had its special "modern" moments. First of all every kid picked up their first year "swag" bag and it included condoms. Every child got a bracelet with the question "Got consent?" printed on it. And when the resident assistant introduced himself to us his label identified his "preferred pronouns" he, him, his. His preferred gender very clearly identified. 

I'm back at the hotel now. We didn't have deep touching moments of togetherness. But I did see him take great pride in putting his room together and even ask for my opinion a couple of times. We had a quick lunch. I got a few hugs and I spent some time sitting on his bed NEXT to him before he hurriedly went off to start his frosh events. Enough for now. I'll find time for Zen when I see him next. 

Second delivery

They told me about this, they told me delivery would be hard. They told me about the contractions and the pushing and the epidural but not too many people told me about the second delivery. 

So I'll tell you, when you deliver the same child for the second time you'll be happy and sad and proud and excited and scared but this time you will have no epidural. Not much to numb the pain. Nope, you'll just have to grin and bear it. 

This is the kid you've learned to love, the one who would greet you with a smile through the slats of the crib in the morning. The one who I tricked with a Big Bird puppet so he would laugh and open his mouth so I could feed him. The one who insisted that you feed him while he sat in the laundry basket. The same one who ate only white food for 12 months. 

The child who spread M&Ms all over the house and taught his brother to "look for treasure" and lick them off the floor. The one who lost a stuffed dog "Douglas" while visiting IKEA and would make you call every day for a few weeks to see if he had been found. This child, your whale boy, the kid who knew every fact there is to be known about whales. 

The kid who sat on you lap to read Eric Carle's The Very Quiet Cricket and listened completely silent and still. The kid who sat on the beach with you. The one who asked to hold your hand on the plane. The kid whose hand you held so many times to cross the street. 

The child you encouraged at school, at home, on the bike, on the skim board, at the soccer field. The one who needs to be reminded to eat vegetables. The one whose braces you paid for.  The one who needed your company while he had a haircut.  The one who outsources his hugs. 

The kid whose heart you've had to nurse. The one you taught to drive. The one you tried to teach to dance. The kid who studied hard and wants to become a doctor. The one who wants independence and renewal and wants to find it half a country away from you. The kid who deserves his own place in this his new world. 

Again surrendering to the beauty of time passing, here we are, my second delivery. The first one in Vancouver in 1998, the second one 18 years later at Carleton University in Ottawa. 

Both times, labours of love.

Advice to teenagers: Top 10 reasons your mother is IMPORTANT!

Top 10 reasons why your mother is ..... I was going to say important but since this is aimed at teenagers ... kinda cool?....  not so annoying?

1) They gave your mitochondria - kinda cool and KINDA important.

2) The grew you! (and avoided alcohol, raw fish, unpasteurized juice, excessive caffeine, need I go on?) SUPER important for you to have a good brain so also KINDA cool for you eh?

3) They pushed you out - SUPER cool for you and majorly crucial otherwise you wouldn't be here.

4) They made sure you were nourished and not ONLY out of evolutionary obligation but because they were KINDA invested in your well being. Oh yeah and cause they KINDA loved you by then.

5) They enrolled you in school cause they were already invested in this loving you business so it became a priority for you to use the brain they grew and protected (see #2 above).

6) They celebrated your accomplishments - this one just cause they LOVE you.

7) They helped you through difficult times - another one just cause of LOVE.

8) They make you do activities with them (walks, runs, biking, etc..) because science shows that bonds are neurobiologically based and they are hoping you will attach neurobiology to memories and thus keep them longer.

9) They respect your facebook, twitter, instagram, snapchat restrictions ..... cause THEY LOVE YOU!

10) They continue to HUG and TOUCH you (even after swanning and eye rolling) because ALL science shows this you make you live longer.

I hope you read this my two good eggs - I LOVE YOU!