I have always had a thing for natural disasters.
When I was in Grade 4 we had to write a science assignment and I chose to write about the eruption of the volcano Krakatoa. To this day I remember it as the coolest research I have ever done. To think of the awesomeness of Earth and our lack of control over it was just humbling.
My interest grew from there, living in Mexico City it was always easy to be in awe of the Earth's movements as we had tremor after tremor and then the BIG earthquake of 1985. My second year in Medical School and a baptism of sorts in emergency-do-anything-you-can type of medicine. Needless to say it was evident that we were, are and forever will be at Earth's mercy.
Since then I have been captivated by this big blue planet's forces. On my weekly runs I will often stop to watch the ocean in awe or as I did yesterday to be mesmerized by the fog bank that grew as I was sitting there watching it roll in. Enthralled by it's swift formation and movement.
In the past I have been pinned to the TV and watched endless hours of footage of both the Indonesia and the Japan tsunami. I will watch every tornado chasing show there is and my bucket list of things to do includes a Tornado Tour. I am, thanks to friends in the East currently being barraged (on facebook) by unimaginable photos of snow, huge snow banks and white out conditions. Yesterday while watching the news I even got snow THUNDER! Me and that Cantore guy would make the perfect couple I'm thinking we both like nature's misbehaviour or should I say natural behaviour. It was like nature porn!!!
Rain even "torrential natural disaster type rain" though, maybe due to overexposure, does not do the same for me. I don't find rain inspiring or enchanting or any of those pretty adjective one can use. I'm glad it rains don't get me wrong but somehow it is not AWE inspiring like other MUCH cooler tricks that Earth can do. Rain provokes more of an okay-you-are-here-again-good-friend kind of feeling. Nothing exciting about it.
We have sun in the Rainforest today and we did yesterday too. Now the sun is not an natural disaster but I'll take it, be happy, and enjoy it's lovely warm charm.
Monday, 16 February 2015
Saturday, 24 January 2015
Tell me your story
A little over a year ago I lost a good friend. I knew it was coming.
I had just finished a restorative yoga class when the phone rang and it was another friend to tell me that they were discontinuing care and it was just a matter of days. My reaction was to sit in the middle of the Kits Yyoga stairwell and cry.
While I was sitting there most people walked around me but one guy in blue shorts and a gray hoodie (this is all I remember) sat next to me on the stairwell and said nothing. Absolutely nothing for a long while, he just sat there keeping me company. After a while he asked: "Is everything okay?" and I said: "My friend is dying." He responded by saying "I am so sorry. You want to tell me her story?"
I sat there and I did. I told him her story. For about 20 minutes I talked to him and cried.
Last week my cousin died unexpectedly in a helicopter crash. I found out first thing in the morning through facebook and shortly after that my Dad called to give us the news. His wife and kids, his family, his friends, they all shared stories about him.
Yesterday the local newspaper in Monterrey featured him and his friend, who also died in the crash, and there were numerous wonderful and funny stories about him. Everyone remembers him as a good friend who went out of his way to make people laugh and feel comfortable. Someone who enjoyed life and appreciated every moment life had offered him.
In the end, here is the lesson: leave a story behind and make it a good one.
I had just finished a restorative yoga class when the phone rang and it was another friend to tell me that they were discontinuing care and it was just a matter of days. My reaction was to sit in the middle of the Kits Yyoga stairwell and cry.
While I was sitting there most people walked around me but one guy in blue shorts and a gray hoodie (this is all I remember) sat next to me on the stairwell and said nothing. Absolutely nothing for a long while, he just sat there keeping me company. After a while he asked: "Is everything okay?" and I said: "My friend is dying." He responded by saying "I am so sorry. You want to tell me her story?"
I sat there and I did. I told him her story. For about 20 minutes I talked to him and cried.
Last week my cousin died unexpectedly in a helicopter crash. I found out first thing in the morning through facebook and shortly after that my Dad called to give us the news. His wife and kids, his family, his friends, they all shared stories about him.
Yesterday the local newspaper in Monterrey featured him and his friend, who also died in the crash, and there were numerous wonderful and funny stories about him. Everyone remembers him as a good friend who went out of his way to make people laugh and feel comfortable. Someone who enjoyed life and appreciated every moment life had offered him.
In the end, here is the lesson: leave a story behind and make it a good one.
Wednesday, 31 December 2014
Room to grow.
2014 is ending, although the date is really arbitrary as there are always endings and beginnings. But it does cause pause for self-reflection.
It has been a happy year with the occasional stops for achievements and heartache. Love lost and love gained. Happy and sad moments.
I don't make resolutions, all of the published evidence says I will not keep them.
I could half-ass them and as I do with my to do list where I write something I have already done so I feel better. I could resolve to do something that I know is not that difficult and at least keep one of my resolutions. Debunk the science so to speak, but that would be cheating.
So what do I want out of the brand new spanking year?
I want room to grow (and I do not mean grow my behind).
I want room to inspire and be inspired.
I want room to love.
I want room to study, learn and accomplish.
I want room to forgive, repair and make amends.
I want room to see and enjoy my friends and appreciate them.
I want room to grow.
It has been a happy year with the occasional stops for achievements and heartache. Love lost and love gained. Happy and sad moments.
I don't make resolutions, all of the published evidence says I will not keep them.
I could half-ass them and as I do with my to do list where I write something I have already done so I feel better. I could resolve to do something that I know is not that difficult and at least keep one of my resolutions. Debunk the science so to speak, but that would be cheating.
So what do I want out of the brand new spanking year?
I want room to grow (and I do not mean grow my behind).
I want room to inspire and be inspired.
I want room to love.
I want room to study, learn and accomplish.
I want room to forgive, repair and make amends.
I want room to see and enjoy my friends and appreciate them.
I want room to grow.
Monday, 8 December 2014
Happy endings.
This last weekend I spent WAY too much time on the Hallmark channel watching feel good movies. WAAAY too much time. Yes, that is what I do when I can't run outside because it is pissing rain, going to the gym to run on the treadmill is boring (plus it only takes two hours out of your day), I have baked my heart out (scones, muffins and shortbread) and it is STILL raining PLUS I feel like spending the whole day in my pajamas because it is STILL raining.
So the end result was a weekend of love-can-conquer-all intoxication and a two day you-are-the-ONLY-one-for-me hangover. Better than Tequila to achieve a feel good endorphin fuelled weekend.
However, the fact is that there are very few happy endings, most people do not get to walk off into the sunset while some inspiring music plays in the background. Even after a happy ending, most people in real life wonder. After all of the credits end most people (even in the best movie) will wake up the next day and wonder: did I do the right thing? is she/he REALLY the one?
If movies really showed us reality this is what they would show the morning after.
She/He really may NOT be the one because:
- who knew she/he snored like a truck!
- this morning at breakfast she/he is chewing with her mouth open.
- I just got a text from my ex-girlfriend/boyfriend and she/he wants me back.
Now, THAT is a lot more realistic but it doesn't sell so for now I will stick to the fake stuff on TV - at least on rainy days.
Thursday, 4 December 2014
Things that I own
Whenever we think about ownership we think about things. Things you have, a car, a house, a mortgage.
Yesterday, I had to write an e-mail where I made a case for other types of "things" that I own and that I consider mine. After that I sat there pondering what else do I own? What else is mine and no one else's?
I own the day I decided to come to Canada.
I own that phone call and exhilarating feeling of accomplishment I felt when I defended my thesis and called my Dad from the UBC campus to say "I've done it, I passed"
I own that moment when I found out I was pregnant for the first time and did not tell anyone at all, no one at all. I wanted to sit with it for a while. This was mine.
I own the phone calls of expectation when Sebastian took his own long sweet time to arrive.
I own that day when Sebastian was 6 weeks old and we went to the beach on a cool June morning and we sat together, me with a book and him by my side.
I own the bewilderment of finding out that Benjamin was on his unexpected way and I own the abject fear of losing him after he was born.
I own my arrival at the airport after writing my RCPS exam and I own the time my Dad spent in front of the computer pushing the refresh button on the RCPSC website until my pass was made official.
I own the level headedness, company and friendship Michael has given me.
I own the frustration and anger I feel every time I see a child with special needs who is being bullied.
I own every mindful moment I have had that has reminded me to be mindful.
I own walks by a river, runs on the beach, biking on trails, dinners at sunset, looks out a window, cuddles on couches and sitting by fires.
I own all of my long talks with friends. I own my gratitude when friends listened.
I own the memories I have made with other people. Those are mine and maybe theirs if they want them, but they are mostly mine.
To sum it all up, I own the contentment of my life.
Yesterday, I had to write an e-mail where I made a case for other types of "things" that I own and that I consider mine. After that I sat there pondering what else do I own? What else is mine and no one else's?
I own the day I decided to come to Canada.
I own that phone call and exhilarating feeling of accomplishment I felt when I defended my thesis and called my Dad from the UBC campus to say "I've done it, I passed"
I own that moment when I found out I was pregnant for the first time and did not tell anyone at all, no one at all. I wanted to sit with it for a while. This was mine.
I own the phone calls of expectation when Sebastian took his own long sweet time to arrive.
I own that day when Sebastian was 6 weeks old and we went to the beach on a cool June morning and we sat together, me with a book and him by my side.
I own the bewilderment of finding out that Benjamin was on his unexpected way and I own the abject fear of losing him after he was born.
I own my arrival at the airport after writing my RCPS exam and I own the time my Dad spent in front of the computer pushing the refresh button on the RCPSC website until my pass was made official.
I own the level headedness, company and friendship Michael has given me.
I own the frustration and anger I feel every time I see a child with special needs who is being bullied.
I own every mindful moment I have had that has reminded me to be mindful.
I own walks by a river, runs on the beach, biking on trails, dinners at sunset, looks out a window, cuddles on couches and sitting by fires.
I own all of my long talks with friends. I own my gratitude when friends listened.
I own the memories I have made with other people. Those are mine and maybe theirs if they want them, but they are mostly mine.
To sum it all up, I own the contentment of my life.
Wednesday, 26 November 2014
49
I am 49 today. I can feel my telomeres shortening and my Xs dropping. Here we go, the yearly review:
Almost all of my friends are nerdy. The company of teenagers is both inspiring and infuriating, MOST of the time it is inspiring. I hang around with an exceptional group of strong women. Before judging, ask. Before judging, offer help. To quote Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are ..... believe them!" DO NOT let bad things happens TWICE - that is just DUMB! Forgive yourself if you let a bad thing happen twice. Even really ordinary things can be made to feel extraordinary. Lululemon was a shitty investment. Sometimes in life you get to walk just a little of the way together with someone you care for, let that be enough. Not everyone that you care for will appreciate you caring. Restorative yoga IS restorative. Experiencing loss, even when expected is profoundly painful. Turtles dwell in water, tortoises on land. Foot injuries SUUCCKK! The only way to heal from a foot injury is to STOP running. Listen to your doctor. If you can't run - spin. Not all great adventures make for great love stories. Every once in while you've just got to pull the car over in order to hold your heart and catch your breath. KINDNESS trumps ALL. Kids speak truths, my behind does not fit on a pediatric chair. Stretchy leggings are oddly comforting. VERY few people make evidence based decision, most people act on beliefs. Educating antivaxers is the bane of my existence. According to published literature from NIH at my current age, I am unlikely to contribute to science in any meaningful way. Before ordering exome sequencing - USE YOUR BRAIN, FIND A PATTERN! I want to be in Grade 8 again and have cool homework. #1 child turned out to be a looker, #2 also seems to be going in that direction, this of course is not terribly important but a revelation of the power of half of my DNA ;) they also turned out to be kind so that's a win-win. Not everybody has the capacity for self-reflection. The best definition of myself that I have ever read was found in a book about menopause called The Madwoman in the Volvo: "Until now, not being able to feel things has never been one of my copious personal flaws. I am for better or for worse a person driven by passions large and small." An apology has three parts: 1) Say I'm sorry 2) Admit what you did and say "I was wrong" AND 3) ASK: WHAT can I do to repair this? WHAT can I do to make this better? It seems most people (including me sometimes) often neglect the third part. There is nothing that is more annoying than lack of clarity. Lack of clarity happens, suck it up! According to Benjamin, I have already had crabbiness and I need to see other people, the kid seems to be a little overwhelmed with maternal love. ALWAYS find time for a morning hug. As in all previous years: ALWAYS find time to tell the ones you love that you do and the ones you miss that you miss them. At this age you begin to lose people, some to life, some to geography, some to circumstances - the difficult thing is that at this age that loss may be permanent. The poignancy of this life is that there is just this ONE life, don't squander love, don't squander time, we are all, slowly, but most assuredly, running out of summers and not always stopping, breathing in and taking the time to notice them. TODAY and EVERY day, as I did last year, I promise myself to take the time to notice.
Oh, Oh, I ALMOST forgot ........ This year I became THE PROUD recipient of a Government of Canada (aka Kaoru Ohashi) issued Penis Inspector License.
Happy birthday to me.
Almost all of my friends are nerdy. The company of teenagers is both inspiring and infuriating, MOST of the time it is inspiring. I hang around with an exceptional group of strong women. Before judging, ask. Before judging, offer help. To quote Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are ..... believe them!" DO NOT let bad things happens TWICE - that is just DUMB! Forgive yourself if you let a bad thing happen twice. Even really ordinary things can be made to feel extraordinary. Lululemon was a shitty investment. Sometimes in life you get to walk just a little of the way together with someone you care for, let that be enough. Not everyone that you care for will appreciate you caring. Restorative yoga IS restorative. Experiencing loss, even when expected is profoundly painful. Turtles dwell in water, tortoises on land. Foot injuries SUUCCKK! The only way to heal from a foot injury is to STOP running. Listen to your doctor. If you can't run - spin. Not all great adventures make for great love stories. Every once in while you've just got to pull the car over in order to hold your heart and catch your breath. KINDNESS trumps ALL. Kids speak truths, my behind does not fit on a pediatric chair. Stretchy leggings are oddly comforting. VERY few people make evidence based decision, most people act on beliefs. Educating antivaxers is the bane of my existence. According to published literature from NIH at my current age, I am unlikely to contribute to science in any meaningful way. Before ordering exome sequencing - USE YOUR BRAIN, FIND A PATTERN! I want to be in Grade 8 again and have cool homework. #1 child turned out to be a looker, #2 also seems to be going in that direction, this of course is not terribly important but a revelation of the power of half of my DNA ;) they also turned out to be kind so that's a win-win. Not everybody has the capacity for self-reflection. The best definition of myself that I have ever read was found in a book about menopause called The Madwoman in the Volvo: "Until now, not being able to feel things has never been one of my copious personal flaws. I am for better or for worse a person driven by passions large and small." An apology has three parts: 1) Say I'm sorry 2) Admit what you did and say "I was wrong" AND 3) ASK: WHAT can I do to repair this? WHAT can I do to make this better? It seems most people (including me sometimes) often neglect the third part. There is nothing that is more annoying than lack of clarity. Lack of clarity happens, suck it up! According to Benjamin, I have already had crabbiness and I need to see other people, the kid seems to be a little overwhelmed with maternal love. ALWAYS find time for a morning hug. As in all previous years: ALWAYS find time to tell the ones you love that you do and the ones you miss that you miss them. At this age you begin to lose people, some to life, some to geography, some to circumstances - the difficult thing is that at this age that loss may be permanent. The poignancy of this life is that there is just this ONE life, don't squander love, don't squander time, we are all, slowly, but most assuredly, running out of summers and not always stopping, breathing in and taking the time to notice them. TODAY and EVERY day, as I did last year, I promise myself to take the time to notice.
Oh, Oh, I ALMOST forgot ........ This year I became THE PROUD recipient of a Government of Canada (aka Kaoru Ohashi) issued Penis Inspector License.
Happy birthday to me.
Tuesday, 25 November 2014
49 - 24 hours
I am 24 hours away from turning 49 (tomorrow I will post the hotly anticipated :) I am 49 blog post). Yesterday I left my jacket in the bathroom and lost my glasses somewhere. Then this morning I realized I did not have my wallet with me.
A few months ago I was e-mailing a colleague back and forth and one of his e-mails said: "Next Friday is my birthday and I am turning an age that seems almost impossible to believe. I CANNOT BELIEVE I am now this old." I picked up the phone and called him to say "Are you going to be 60? I am sorry" You know what his response was? It was "THANK YOU, you are the ONLY person who has hit the right sentiment." He was fed up with hearing "Oh how wonderful, what great life you have had." We both agreed YES it has been a wonderful life with lots of accomplishments and accolades and will probably continue to be but aging still sucks.
My father who is not a very sentimental dude or for that matter a very expressive guy has recently lost two of his brothers and when I called to see how he was doing, you know what his response was? It was: "You know, I am fine and proud of what I have done. I am happy with my life, BUUUUT I LIIIIKE life, I do not want to get off the carousel. I want another ticket. I want to go around again"
Yesterday I met with a few friends who I do not see regularly. We span an age range of 43 to 55. We are going to seem ungrateful with this but we all agreed that as my colleague and Dad said, aging sucks and we don't like it. And the general odd, weird concensus is that it happened too fast AND we did not see it coming. I know it sound ridiculous, HOWWW???? could we not have seen it coming ?! - aging is one of those things that kinda hits you in the face literally EVERY DAY! It is happening as I write this.
Why are we all so surprised? Why is this hitting us "unexpectedly" in the face"? Why are we acting like deer caught in headlights? Huh?? What? How? Why are we all waking up on our birthdays thinking - how the fuck did this happen? WTF?!?!?
Here it is, we are not prepared because it DID happen FAST, the Earth has been around for gizijillions of years and we are around for a measly 100 of those (if you are lucky). In the whole evolutionary scheme of things THAT is an INFINITESIMAL amount of time!!! Turns out that as of today we know that atoms do not represent the smallest unit of matter. Particles called quarks and leptons seem to be the fundamental building blocks of matter but it seems that there might be something even smaller. I hate to break this to you but it seems that in terms of infinitesimal things .... we are the quarks of evolution (mind you fruit flies are even worse, I wonder if this happens to them - in their little brains they are like ... hold oooonnnnn just half a second ago ago I was flying around and now I CAN'T - aging sucks!).
So, if you want to feel better be assured ...... it DID happen overnight. I DID find myself pulling out my gray hair from one day to another. My running injuries DID go from being healed in one day to being healed in 3 months in a blink. Going from "full" bodied to "fluff" bodied DID actually JUST creep up on me. Benjamin DID grow a few feet and his voice DID change from Monday to Tuesday. Sebastian DID become a 6 foot full bearded man on his almost way to University overnight.
In summary, EVERYTHING DID JUST HAPPEN IN A FLASH!!! There, now I feel better.
A few months ago I was e-mailing a colleague back and forth and one of his e-mails said: "Next Friday is my birthday and I am turning an age that seems almost impossible to believe. I CANNOT BELIEVE I am now this old." I picked up the phone and called him to say "Are you going to be 60? I am sorry" You know what his response was? It was "THANK YOU, you are the ONLY person who has hit the right sentiment." He was fed up with hearing "Oh how wonderful, what great life you have had." We both agreed YES it has been a wonderful life with lots of accomplishments and accolades and will probably continue to be but aging still sucks.
My father who is not a very sentimental dude or for that matter a very expressive guy has recently lost two of his brothers and when I called to see how he was doing, you know what his response was? It was: "You know, I am fine and proud of what I have done. I am happy with my life, BUUUUT I LIIIIKE life, I do not want to get off the carousel. I want another ticket. I want to go around again"
Yesterday I met with a few friends who I do not see regularly. We span an age range of 43 to 55. We are going to seem ungrateful with this but we all agreed that as my colleague and Dad said, aging sucks and we don't like it. And the general odd, weird concensus is that it happened too fast AND we did not see it coming. I know it sound ridiculous, HOWWW???? could we not have seen it coming ?! - aging is one of those things that kinda hits you in the face literally EVERY DAY! It is happening as I write this.
Why are we all so surprised? Why is this hitting us "unexpectedly" in the face"? Why are we acting like deer caught in headlights? Huh?? What? How? Why are we all waking up on our birthdays thinking - how the fuck did this happen? WTF?!?!?
Here it is, we are not prepared because it DID happen FAST, the Earth has been around for gizijillions of years and we are around for a measly 100 of those (if you are lucky). In the whole evolutionary scheme of things THAT is an INFINITESIMAL amount of time!!! Turns out that as of today we know that atoms do not represent the smallest unit of matter. Particles called quarks and leptons seem to be the fundamental building blocks of matter but it seems that there might be something even smaller. I hate to break this to you but it seems that in terms of infinitesimal things .... we are the quarks of evolution (mind you fruit flies are even worse, I wonder if this happens to them - in their little brains they are like ... hold oooonnnnn just half a second ago ago I was flying around and now I CAN'T - aging sucks!).
So, if you want to feel better be assured ...... it DID happen overnight. I DID find myself pulling out my gray hair from one day to another. My running injuries DID go from being healed in one day to being healed in 3 months in a blink. Going from "full" bodied to "fluff" bodied DID actually JUST creep up on me. Benjamin DID grow a few feet and his voice DID change from Monday to Tuesday. Sebastian DID become a 6 foot full bearded man on his almost way to University overnight.
In summary, EVERYTHING DID JUST HAPPEN IN A FLASH!!! There, now I feel better.
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