This is the definition of shame by Merriam-Webster. Shame: a painful emotion caused by of humiliating disgrace or disrepute or ignominy, something that brings censure or reproach, something to be regretted.
I was listening to a podcast on NPR called The mind of the mark https://www.npr.org/2019/07/29/746407667/the-mind-of-the-mark , it talks about the mind of a person who has been scammed and feels shame. One of the experts discusses the fact that there are no accurate statistics for fraud as people are too ASHAMED to talk about it. People don't want to let other people know they were fooled or abused so we never find out and the behaviour goes unpunished.
I followed the Harvey Weinstein case and it also got me thinking that one of the reasons this behaviour (not only with Weinstein but also with others) went on for SO many years is because many of the women were to ASHAMED to talk about what had happened to them despite the UNDENIABLE FACT THAT THIS WAS NOT THEIR FAULT.
More recently I've been talking to women about events in their life which were NOT their fault but yet made them feel shame and this theme come up over and over again. "Oh I would never talk about it, I'd be too ashamed' "I could never really talk about it, I am embarrassed that I let it happen" "I can't talk about it, I am so ashamed, I'd have to admit I was dumb enough to fall for a predator". I have to admit; I felt the same way after the big Dr. Lopez dupe. As I wrote in my last blog - HOW can we talk about shame if we are to ashamed to talk?
Its time to change! In her book Brene Brown talks vulnerability and the silent shame epidemic. She also talks about shame resilience.
I leave you with her instructions to foster shame resilience:
- Being able to recognize, name and understand our shame triggers.
- Developing critical awareness about our own shame webs and triggers.
- Being willing to reach out to others (rather than hide and isolate ourselves).
- Having the ability to speak about our experiences of shame with those who have earned the right to hear them.
Lets do this, let's talk about shame!
