Last week I turned 47 and posted a list of new lessons and happy events. Since then I have been feeling melancholic.
The final straw was waking up this morning and finding almost 6 feet of #1 (the 11 pounder) at the sink SHAVING! This led to a teary panicked Oh-my-god-so-many-milestones-I-cannot-believe-this-much-time-has-passed moment while hugging said teenager and watching his eyes roll to the back of his head in the mirror. He was however, kind enough to indulge me in my hug and tears, he stood still without swaning (swaning: the behavior displayed by all teenagers in which they turn their head and neck AWAY from the kissing mother) despite the fact that I know he was thinking: "Jeezuzz christ you lunatic woman!!!".
I have to say that when I was younger and thought about getting older I NEVER thought of being almost 50. That is not to say that I thought I would be dead, it's just that the thought of aging did not EVER occur to me. I thought about some milestones, frankly there were mostly academic related milestones like high school, University medical school etc.. Even marriage and having children were not too pressing in my mind. I remember my father saying once that "I was too smart to get married" so I kind of assumed if it happens, it happens.
People used to talk to me about childhood, adolescence, early adulthood but they didn't really talk to me about aging. My mother never said "Oh when you are older you are going to LOVE the changes your body experiences (that little bit of advice was given to me when I became an adolescent). Or "Prepare yourself because one day you will find yourself in front of the bank machine and you will not be able to recall the PIN you have been using for the last 5 years." I know, I sound like I'm 80 and I am not, but let's say it: aging sucks in general EXCEPT for the self confidence and experience it brings. End. Of.
After much pondering I have decided that aging is a process that starts with time that is now pointed by other people's, my children in this case, milestones. I mean it's not like I'm going to get learn to drive or get a driver's licence or find my first girlfriend/boyfriend or experience my first kiss or marry or have my first child. Been there, done that.
So I've been wondering, what are the after 47 personal milestones? ................... Deafening silence ............ Grandchildren? Menopause? Affairs? Divorces? Second marriages? Botox? More silence. Retirement? For me that would be death I cannot imagine not doing what I love and the happiness and self-fulfilment it brings me. Yikes! What then?
I am now positively sure that this mindful moment of YIKES! is when middle aged out-of-shape individuals decide they need to climb Kilimanjaro or Everest, embark on a bungee jumping tour, make an attempt on the North Pole, do some base jumping, try downhill mountain biking (guilty), start running marathons (also guilty) or cook themselves in hot yoga (again guilty).
So ... my milestones list:
1) Start the adolescent Fragile X trials
2) Run the half marathon in support of Fragile X fundraising in June
3) Try not to forget stuff
Lofty goals eh? All very trivial but really folks .......... what else is there?
